


4. Memories and Feelings That Still Haunt Me

by Cinnamon (Sweet_Cinnamon17)



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:40:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 61
Words: 9,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29114652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_Cinnamon17/pseuds/Cinnamon
Summary: I've cried too hard for too long as I debated death.Over and over, all I wanted was a quick overdose,a quick way to escape the pain.Until the guilt set itand made me realise,suicide feels too selfish.Instead I turned my sadness into artand my pain into strength.Desperately wanting to carve up my skin,I bled on a page.My screams are silent, hidden behind closed doors,And computer screens.All these horrible emotions kept secret in notebooks.I'm too afraid to speak about it, so I write it downThat's how my poetry is made.~The birth of poetry -Me
Comments: 18
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

I don't really have any idea for what I wanna write here, but basically the theme for this book is how I deal with the highs and lows of my life. Most of the time it's the lows since I only write really well when I'm depressed which is sad :(  
However this means you guys get to read it and hopefully it brings you some comfort if you're going through the same thing.


	2. He was so nice for an ass

I was a Jess

I was a vintage girl

All soft and kind

I crocheted

And Taylor was my jam

He was every bad boy in every romance novel

Drugs were his getaway

Washed down with another pint

He saw my picture and said 'she'll do'

Then we started chatting

We were just supposed to be casual

We didn't know just how attached we'd get

Dark secrets were told

And political meme's were sent

He was the first guy to tell me I'm cute

We saw eye to eye on everything

Even when he tore down the stuff I liked

And the music I listened too

He forced his opinions on me

And I just agreed, like a sweet naive child

We talked all the time, about anything

Slow but surely I changed myself

To fit with him and his image

I didn't want to fight, so I just agreed

He sent me music and I liked it

I stopped listening to Taylor

And blasted my ears with noise

He would talk about me all the time

He wanted to help fix me

But my wounds were still too fresh

I relied on him, that was my first mistake

But God, he was so nice

He was the first person I'd go to

He talked me off the edge

He genuinely wanted to help me and keep me safe

God I liked him

Then I found out he was with her

Man I was a mess

But we still made up

We couldn't not talk to each other

We were too attached

To our strange conversations

He already made it clear 'I wasn't viable'

But when he finally said it he was too late

I was with someone else

Maybe it would've saved me the heartache

If I went with him

If he wasn't so messed up I think I would've liked him even more

But I changed my whole personality

I jeopardized who I was because I was too scared he'd reject me

But he was, amazing

Or maybe I was too trusting

But we trusted each other

I played his game for months

But he was still the first person I'd go to

I thought I was myself with him

It was like we were each other's emergency contact

But that was all

I felt like I lost my mind with him

Yet he kept me calm, almost sane

I haven't thought about him in months

Now suddenly I can't sleep

I just reminisce

For some reason it hurts

And I'm crying

For such an ass

He was so nice


	3. Perfection

Everything must be done right

It has to be perfect!

I'm still on the edge

Knowing that I'm watched

Everything I do must be perfect!

I don't trust anyone else to do it

It doesn't matter if I'm straight up exhausted

It's been drilled into me

I must be perfect!

One false move that's it.

I go into panic

Each heartbeat echoes, making my whole body shudder

As I shake, the gut wrenching dread appears everytime something goes wrong

Expecting the worst, my mind runs away

Leaving my body frozen, helpless

Another reminder that I'm imperfect.

So this is why.

This is why I cry over tiny things

This is why I freak, when it's in another's hands

Another's that's not mine.

You craved perfection and this is what you got

After 15 years, it's all crammed inside of my head.

This obsession for perfection

It sickens and terrifies me

To the point where I can't even talk about it.

It's pushing me to madness

As I clutch the few straws I have that is perfection


	4. The Past, The Present

I never got a real childhood.

I feel like I was never a child in the first place.

I stopped being a child the moment I realised

I was walking on eggshells.

What kind of childhood is one filled with thoughts of death?

Being treated like a child, I couldn't grow up.

Telling me to be more mature, yet treating me otherwise.

Witnessing trauma and pain- I can barely think about it.

I should be dead,

but for some reason God wanted me alive.

I could never just die.

Now I'm finally being treated like an adult,

man I want to cry.

I was in such a hurry to grow up, I missed out of all the good times.

I should be happy, but I'm not.

Instead I'm hurt, confused,

you can't even imagine just how badly I'm damaged,

but at least you want to try and fix it.

You ask if I'm okay and my reply is still 'yeah'.

What else can I say?

My mind doesn't rest.

It won't let me sleep, instead it's awake worrying.

Insomnia stroked my hair every night like on old friend

as I stare out into the night sky

The stars keeping me company.

My mind goes round,

as my heartbeat sounds like a lullaby.


	5. The Black Dress With Red And Yellow Flowers

I wore the dress today, the black one

with the red and yellow flowers.

The one that's a size too small,

clinging tightly to my body

I thought it would be okay,

after all, I haven't eaten anything today.

It's fine, I wasn't hungry anyway.

I knew there'd be some comments,

but I thought it would be about the dress length

or the lace that covers my shoulders,

instead it was a direct attack on me.

Offering me their opinion to eat less

little do they know,

I haven't eaten at all.

I was finally doing okay

now I want to curl up and cry.

Back comes the light headedness

And the constant dizzy,

I want to puke.

Coffee all on an empty stomach

makes me want to faint.

'You're not worth being loved.'

Round and round it goes

I feel like a failure every time I look in the mirror.

I can't stop.

Eating feels too much like giving up.

Why do I even bother?

I can't win, I can't stop, I can't speak, I can't sleep

I- I can't, do anything,

but hide behind a polite smile,

blinking away my tears as I pretend not to care.

Going back to hiding and lying

I wonder, why do I even bother trying?


	6. 13 Pills, 1 goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!

One for the hurt.

Two for the pain.

Three for abuse.

Four for the manipulation.

Five for the trouble.

Six for the trauma.

Seven for taking his side.

Eight for not trying to understand.

Nine I'm almost high.

Ten let's hope I die this time.

Eleven to make sure.

Twelve to be thorough.

Thirteen for luck.

13 pills, 1 goodbye.

If this doesn't work, God it's going to hurt.

Waking up I wasn't suicidal,

but of course I'm always the bad guy.

Telling me off, not taking my side,

did you not see me cry?

I was sitting right there, but you didn't say anything,

again I'm ignored!

Have you forgotten how messed up I am?!

You know I'm not stable!

You know what I've done!

My tears have run out, I just can't do it.

Suicide feels too selfish.

I can't die knowing I'm passing on that hurt,

instead I'll hold in the pain,

so they won't have to hold it.


	7. The Birth Of Poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!

I've cried too hard for too long as I debated death.

Over and over, all I wanted was a quick overdose,

a quick way to escape the pain.

Until the guilt set it

and made me realise,

suicide feels too selfish.

Instead I turned my sadness into art

and my pain into strength.

Desperately wanting to carve up my skin,

I bled on a page.

My screams are silent, hidden behind closed doors,

and computer screens.

All these horrible emotions kept secret in notebooks.

I'm too afraid to speak about it, so I write it down

That's how my poetry is made.


	8. Anxiety

Uneasy in this chat

filled with newcomers

smothered by the crowd

anxious from the noise

heard in raging halls

bouncing off the hecking walls

I'm better when I talk private

hidden behind silence

isolated by peace

away from everything

that makes me nervous

(based off a poem by R.H.sin)


	9. I've Read This Kind Of Book Before

It seems like I'm the back sheep of this family.

I'm always the one with the problems,

I'm the one that needs to sort it out

God this is insane, it's like I went back three years,

but I'm the one that's cruel.

I can't believe you even said it:

''what kind of sister are you?''

I'm the daughter you hurt, you turned me into this,

yet you tell me to find peace.

You broke my spirit, and threw away my trust.

"What kind of mother were you to let all that happen?"

You were right there, every time

you were there when I was told to die.

I know you were young, but so was I

I was a child!

God, how could you turn such a blind eye?

Now it feels like you're pouncing on everything I do,

angry at me for being aggressive,

saying that violence is never an option,

making me feel bad for not showing affection

it feels like I'm in exile with no way out.

The way they're treated makes me writhe in jealousy.

Everyone else has moved on, while I'm standing here alone

it's like everyone's forgotten, I don't blame them

who wants to remember?

Just stop asking why I'm in a mood,

asking why I act like I do

happy feels like a distant memory,

sad comes back every damn day.

darkness consumes me

while you're wondering what you did wrong,

when I distance myself away.

Speaking, but not talking.

covering my eyes so no one sees me cry.

Mascara running down my eyes as I pinch in my sides,

Pretending that I'm eating.

I'm ignored, unnoticed, thanks for making me feel hopeless.


	10. Distance Before I Go

Right on time.

I'm starting to feel like I don't belong,

distancing myself away, I don't know why.

Too many people texting,

anxiety is pumping.

I'm starting to feel left out,

it's just not fun anymore.

I'm muting the chat more often

I feel like I'm too annoying

I'm supposed to be the older one

so why am I burdening them? They're so young.

How long will it be before I stop talking altogether?

All I am is sad, pretending to be happy

I know I'm relapsing, but I can't let them know.

Everything hurts, it's like I can't be happy,

I don't deserve it.

You guys are my town, but now I feel like a stranger

all I'm doing is imposing.

I hate feeling lonely, but my mind won't let anyone in

these walls are getting too thick

it just feels easier to exile myself.

I'm not me, it feels more like I'm my past self.

I've seen this film too many times

every time, the ending makes me cry.

I'm going to leave them all someday,

I'm just pushing myself away even more,

It's better if I don't get so attached.

That way it won't hurt so much when the day finally comes

The day where I leave and don't go back.


	11. Who Knew This Is Where I'd Be

Who knew a pain this great even existed?

The hurt is all mental, but it feels so massive.

How can memories hurt so much?

When I was young they assumed I knew everything,

but I wasn't allowed to know anything.

Memories haunting all of my actions,

the flashbacks linger like all my scars

all the old urges come back.

Cutting and starving to feel control.

I never thought I'd be here.

Writing down all these thoughts

connecting with so many different people

my voice, my words, my thoughts,

they stay with my readers for the longest time.

I can't silence my own demons, I hope I can relieve you of yours

I hope I can quieten your raging thoughts

and bring you some peace.

Inspiring you not to give up and to write your own stories.

Carving yourself into someone's memory forever.

You have a voice, don't be afraid to use it,

you can do this, life is hard, but together we can change the ending.

The pain lingers for the longest time

the hurt runs down so deep,

but let's work together, let's help each other grow

let's survive and live in our reader's memories forever.


	12. He's Back

He's back.

The asswipe just can't let me go

Why are you so fixated on me?

You say that I'm a mess, oh God just look to yourself

I thought all this was over, just leave me the heck alone!

I can barely deal with this right now.

I know I came off as super strong and empowered

But right now I'm freaking out, I'm terrified.

You scare me to a point where I want to crawl under my blanket and hide.

You sicken me with this crazy obsession

You say that I have a problem with staying away

You're the one who decided to come back

If I were you I'd get a new therapist

Because the one you have is clearly wack.

Is this what you do? All the time?

You come off as nice and then you use everything we said against us.

I'm too tired for this, but I know you'll once again say whatever you like

I know you like movies, you so often say

Let me educate you and recommend one that'll really explain

Promising Young Woman, it's all in the name.

Think twice as you read this

Think thrice as start to comment

We're watching you and all I have to say it

Run and flipping hide


	13. Sweet Like Cinnamon

Cinnamon, that's my name.

This is the first time, the first name that I am.

I am Cinnamon, I am myself,

I've stayed true to who I am and it feels good.

There's no confusion, there's no anxiety

my name reflects me.

Sweet like Cinnamon,

but Cinnamon can be bitter, it can be spicy

it can be so much, and so little.

I'm happy, is that weird?

It's the first time I've felt at ease,

I'm not fighting with myself, I'm not torn between personalities.

I'm myself and I'm happy,

at least for now anyway.

I feel so light, I don't have to hide.

For the first time in my life

I'm not a stranger.

Who knew it would take so many names,

so many personalities, to find myself.

I've actually found good people, good friends

they don't try to change me, they know who I am

I've met too many people who didn't like me for who I was.

At first I was reserved, in case they were the same,

but now I know they're not like them.

It's like I found my people, and they've helped me change

I feel like I'm better now than I was before.

I don't feel like they're a disadvantage

they made me new, while still keeping me vintage.


	14. Grandparent's Love

It's finally working, people are noticing

I was finally happy, I felt okay.

Now it's like my high came crashing down.

It's not good enough, I'm still not good enough!

It doesn't matter what I do, I'm still the same in their eyes.

You know what, their wish came true!

They wished that I stopped eating

they wished I'd be thin, so now I'm suffering.

All their wishing is hurting me,

because they don't see how damaging it is

they don't see how much I'm bleeding.

Why can't they just love me, the way they love them?

I can't ever please them!

They criticize everything I do, they reprimand everything I don't

I know I'm a failure because I couldn't even pass,

you don't have to remind me when someone brings it up.

There's only so much I can try and joke about.

Issues like this just make me want to hide

they make me want to cry, I can't win even if I try.

I thought grandparents' love is unconditional, but it feels like a lie.

I can't live up to their expectations, but I'm still trying

I'm trying even though it feels like it's killing me.

I'm trying even though I know there's no point,

but I can't help but try.

Maybe if I try harder, then they'll finally be happy.

Maybe if I try harder, they'll finally love me.

Maybe if I try harder, the pain will eventually numb and go.

Maybe if I try harder, everything will work out.

Maybe if I try harder, It won't hurt anymore.


	15. Broken Can Be Beautiful

I've been where you are, I know it's so hard

with the anger consuming, and the darkness surrounding

it's like you don't even have a friend, it's just so lonely.

The sadness hides behind anger,

the anger takes it out on the people you love.

Yet deep down I see kindness, deep down,

past all the hurt and anger.

I want to make you happy, I want you to smile.

I let you vent to me, even though I was wrapped up in my own problems.

The way you ranted, I didn't know what to say,

quietly brushing my tears away I tried to be positive

I tried to help you, I tried even though I was in such a state.

I still want to help, but I don't really know how.

We're both so broken, there's too much pain there,

but broken people find each other

and when they do, they take a good long look.

Despite how complications and shattered

they're beautiful, they're breathtaking.

When broken people find one another it's like a gasp of breath.

It's like they find whatever part of them that they lost

they finally find someone who understands.

Broken people are so damaged, but unbelievably alluring

in their own way.


	16. I Hope I Brought You Comfort

I want to be remembered, not for who I am

or my appearance, but for my art, for my words.

I want to know that in some way or another

I touched your soul as you read my mind.

I want to be the voice that keeps people going,

in their darkest moment, when all hope seems lost

my voice is there to keep you going.

I want my voice to float around your mind

like an old nostalgic song, playing on the radio on the way home.

I hope that you find comfort in my words

and if you want to die, I hope I make you think twice.

I want to be remembered.

I want my art to live on, like a soft lullaby your heart beats to on a crisp fall night.

I want you to feel, as you gaze at life's beauty,

I want to live among memories that are forgotten and faded.

As hard as life is, in a way it's so beautiful,

it makes me want to live!

I hope these words calm your troubled soul.

You're beautiful and delicate like a flower

you may have thorns sticking out of your side

as you try and hide, but your beauty shines through.

Life is precious and you are priceless,

don't ever think that you are worthless.

You're loved and that's all that matters .

You are alive, you are life.

Your worth cannot be measured

And life shouldn't be wasted.


	17. Untitled

One simple question proved they understand.

A question so real, full of emotion

making me cry, while I pretended to laugh.

A question so loaded it made me want to lie,

it made me feel insecure and shy

to say the truth instead of holding it all inside.

You've seen me for who I am.

You've seen me drop down lower than the ground

even though I share it, these dark thoughts,

my poetry still feels like a secret.

It's a secret that I still keep, I try not to flaunt it,

but sometimes I need people to read it.

Knowing that my friends read my writing

I'm both proud and ashamed.

My darkest secrets, my biggest fears

it's all in here.

This is the kind of writing that I'm scared it will be taken away.

This is the kind of emotions I hide all the time,

so when they ask me how I am

I just say 'I'm fine'.

It sounds so stupid and ridiculous to say,

but I can't let the people closest to me read all the bad things that's happened to me.

I want to make them smile and be happy,

it doesn't matter if I'm suffering and crying.

To know that my friends, the people I care about,

to know that they're laughing and having a good time

that's all that matters to me.


	18. Pain

I'm in pain, and I can't do anything about it

I can't complain, it's my choice to grit my teeth and bare it.

I miss the simple days of taking painkillers without worry

not a second thought, I just took them.

Now I'm scared that I could relapse,

overdosing to the point of death.

I've been doing so well lately, I haven't hurt myself in a while,

but the thoughts and feelings are still there.

I need to do something to feel in control.

I don't know how many more breakdowns I can have,

before I break and do something I'll regret.

Hiding behind fake laughs and smiles.

I feel stupid for even bringing this up,

but I just needed to talk.

You don't have to say anything,

it helps to know that you're listening.

It's so hard to move on,

so I'll just stay here, existing.


	19. Old Memories, Bad Paths

I forgot about the plan.

The plan I made last year,

I wanted to get drunk and go crazy

right as I turned 18.

I forgot about it all, until now,

and it makes me sad. Sad that was my plan.

Sad because I know, it won't ever happen.

Sometimes I wish I could drink to forget.

I wish I could just forget, everything that happened,

I wish I didn't feel, just as strongly as I do.

It feels like so long ago,

memories of wanting to drop out and getting wasted.

I wanted to throw my life away,

I didn't care about anything except getting away

wanting to be free, to experience everything.

I forgot about all these old thoughts.

It feels so far away and strange,

when I remember I feel like a stranger

I can't recognise who I was.

I never knew this is what I'd become and I feel so blessed,

that I only made those plans in my head.

That was enough for me to step back,

turn away and be better.

In one year I managed to change my life

I got lucky, I never went down that path.

Others didn't have the choice or self control,

it may feel too late to change,

but you can still try, move off that path

and walk towards the light.


	20. Blue And Green

I miss the colour red. Fiery, strong, red.

He was the red to my blue,

but lilac wasn't meant to be after all.

I thought we were meant to be together,

red and blue, it felt so right.

What if I was wrong? I'm still so blue,

but what if he's green instead?

I spent so long looking for the wrong colour,

now it makes sense.

Green and Blue, that's what it's meant to be.

I only changed my tune because the red was killing me,

overwhelming sadness takes over.

Never again will I be able to see red and blue

without all the pain and hurt.

Lost memories and a lost year,

I wish I could forget it all.

Green and Blue finally make me happy

I can't stop smiling just thinking of it.

I feel at ease, I'm no longer covered in red,

instead I've grown to love green.

I'm still blue, remembering the lilac dreams,

but finally I can breathe in the beauty of nature.

Growing towards the sky I'm at peace,

surrounded by Plance, I'm happy.


	21. Never Enough

I'm so sick and tired of always being the one in the wrong.

Okay so I'm strict and stern, but only because no one else bothers,

these kids get away with everything,

no one bothers to enforce discipline.

Everything is always my fault and it's not fair.

I'm struggling with the weight of all these responsibilities,

I feel like I'm crumbling and losing my mind.

I barely have time for myself, to do what I like

There's never any time for me to calm down

I'm trying my best, but clearly it's still not enough


	22. The Memory Of Pain

It's strange how the body remembers pain.

Sometimes the memory of the pain is enough,

it makes the whole body remember.

My wrists still sting, my hands still ache

the rest of my body burns, as I remember the winter days.

My head still hurts, my mind still remembers

all of the pain I can't forget

it's like it's etched into my memory forever.


	23. Mascara Tears

22.09.20

At this point I've stopped bothering, it doesn't matter.

Even when I disappear for an hour or two

the only question they ask is:

"where were you?"

Smiling with red eyes, wiping away the mascara tears,

My only reply "just upstairs".

With a quick "oh" and a nod,

they look back to what they were doing

as I try my hardest to not start crying.

I sit down and pretend I'm studying

hoping that the mascara tears aren't too revealing,

not that it matters, they see what they want.

Focusing on my fake smile, they don't see the mascara smudging.


	24. Writing My Emotions Out

22.09.20

Thanks for kicking me while I was down.

You didn't even realise how heavy those words were,

you don't know how much that hurts me.

If you did, at least I'd respect you a bit more,

but you said it without thinking, saying the first thing that came to mind.

No matter how much everything's changed,

you still compare me to my dad.

Just because I'm in a bad mood, glaring and frowning

Rock music blasting, I just don't want to talk,

but even though I'm not saying anything

and I'm keeping to myself, I'm still getting told off

all because I'm frowning and ignoring.

See, things like this make me want to cause serious harm to myself

Consequences be damned.

Things like this is the reason why I sit in my room

crying my eyes out, my hands trembling

as I try and write all my emotions out.


	25. Panic Attack

22.09.20

Why does breathing feel so hard?

It's like I'm surrounded,

walls closing in on me

I'm trapped forever.

I'm about 4 minutes from a panic attack.

I can't stop shaking,

my mind is racing

my head hurts from all the thinking.

It's like I need to cry,

but all my tears are stuck inside.

I want to scream and have a tantrum,

but instead I'm silent writing poems.


	26. I'm Having A Mental Breakdown

22.09.20

I'm so tired of crying, but my tears keep on coming.

I'm told I have nothing to stress about,

by the people who stress me out the most.

My siblings are driving me to insanity!

But every time I get angry enough to call them spoiled or brats

it's all thrown back in my face,

"You were worse".

I'm sick of everything being my fault all the time.

I'm so tired of saying nothing and just taking it all,

I can't get a break.

And you wonder why I distance myself all the time,

what more do you want from me?

Yes, today was just a whole mental breakdown,

it's been so hard to breath.

I feel like I can't do anything right,

no matter how hard I try

everything I didn't do is pointed out to me.

I can barely express everything I'm feeling,

I just want to get away from all this .

I just want to breathe without all the hurting.

I just want to feel happy.


	27. Another Crush

23.09.20

I haven't felt like this in a while.

It's like excitement and happy,

but my anxiety holds it all back.

I'm really nervous and I'm having trouble breathing,

butterflies in my stomach are stopping me from eating.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up,

but it's so, so hard.

One second I'm happily smiling

the next I'm trying hard not to start crying.

It's the big What if?

It feels like an exam I haven't studied for.

I think I'm having a panic attack

thinking about everything that could go wrong.

What if this is another one of my mistakes?

What if he's already taken?

What if I keep putting it off and lose this chance forever?

I know it's up to me

and I don't want to be the one that holds me back,

but what if I get hurt again?

Or I'm rejected?

If that happens I think I'll actually break into a million pieces.

I'm just so scared and nervous

and I don't know what to say.

I feel like I don't have enough data,

I just have to take a leap of faith.

Yes it could go right,

but more importantly,

what if it goes worse than I thought?


	28. Opening Up

26.09.20

I don't like telling people my problems, it makes me feel so guilty,

like I'm only using them to make myself feel better

or passing on the worry.

If I do break down and start to vent, I guess that means I trust them,

but I'm scared that I'm making it all about me

with no regards to how they feel.

I'm scared that I'll lose all my friends like that.

Talking about my problems feels so self-centered,

I'd rather my friends come to me with their problems.

Even though I'm depressed and want to die,

I hold it all in and try to help others.

I don't want anyone to feel like how I feel

I know I should be helping myself, but it's easier to help others.

I'd rather carry the weight of all their troubles

along with the burden, that's my own problems.


	29. Taking A Break

26.09.20

Lately it's been harder to get out of bed,

I've lost all sense of motivation.

Forcing myself to be online, pretending to study

instead I'm reading fanfiction.

I'm just in a weird funk where nothing seems right

my mind is sad while my body is always tired.

I suppose I knew this was coming

the freak outs and anxiety,

muting all my servers, but still lurking.

Pretending I was fine, pushing away all the bad thoughts,

till now.

Taking a break from studying and stepping away from my laptop,

I'm taking a breather trying not to worry.

I step away from reality and immerse myself in a world of fiction

it kinda feels like the old days.

Rekindling my love for literature with tea,

I'm trying to be better at the whole self-care thing

ironically I have a book all about it,

but I've been too busy to actually open it.

Now I'm trying to follow it's advice

taking things one step at a time

hopefully it'll be alright.


	30. Existing

26.09.20

I don't even know how to describe it,

it feels like nothingness, but I know something's wrong.

It feels like an actual illness, but it's only in my mind,

feeling like this feels like I'm trapped underwater.

Every breath is a gasp,

it gets harder and harder.

I just want to be left alone in complete silence,

writing my feelings, reading fiction.

I feel like a ghost, just floating around,

existing.

I can't really do anything.

It's like my brain is blank and empty.

It feels like I'm not even thinking,

it's just a state of nothing.

I'm not myself and I'm tired of pretending,

I don't want to lie and say everythings fine

When I feel dead inside.

So instead I'll disappear for a while.

Just until I'm better enough to trick myself into thinking I'm fine,

that way it doesn't feel like a complete lie.

It's barely been a day and I already miss my friends,

but I feel like I can't return till I'm better and I'm myself.

Till then Plath keeps me company,

her words, her poetry, it makes me feel less lonely.


	31. Childhood Trauma

28.09.20

I remembered all the times when I was growing up

caught in the middle of raging arguments.

Terrified that I'd get taken away.

Begging them not to do anything,

I know they were only looking out for us,

but they nearly tore us up.

No child should ever be in that situation.

Begging and crying, hoping they'd listen,

terrified it would make everything worse.

I tried so hard, but I can't ever forget,

I just push the memory away.

That feeling of helplessness and fear,

nothing has ever scared me like that.

Nothing will ever hurt me like that.

The things I have seen, the flashbacks keep coming

childhood memories, traumatizing moments.

I can't help but remember, no matter how hard I want to forget.

I'm not trying to hold onto the past

the past won't let go of me

No matter how hard I push it away.


	32. A Bad Dream

01.10.20

It was like a bad dream, but I remember.

The hidden phone and Instagram and group chats and bad influences, the high texts and new friends, a broken friendship and a dumb relationship.

Pictures of brownies with coffee, self-harm and writing poems and the British Slags and family trouble, not being able to speak up and the last of the trauma.

Crazy memes and long night conversations, getting the phone taken away and having another boyfriend.

The heartbreak and anger, the depression and anxiety.

I'm letting it all go, putting it behind me as I try and move on, but I'll remember.


	33. This Is Trauma

02.10.20

This is true fear.

Trying not to shake, breathing quietly

my mind can't stop worrying.

My chest feel so heavy,

each heartbeat feels like a death bell that my body shakes to

despite my brain telling it to stop.

Trying to act normal, I feel physically sick.

Flashback after flashback

I'm haunted by the memories.

Wrapped up in blankets I'm trying hard not to cry.

Trying to calm myself with a book,

it makes me feel somewhat normal

until I get dragged back to reality.

I feel like a kid again.

Shaking in terror while pretending to be okay,

waiting for the nightmare to end,

but it never does. It plays in my head for years to come

reminding me I'm still traumatized, I'm still a child.

No matter how old I grow there will always be that kid inside of me

lying in bed crying, covering her mouth so no one hears her sobs

desperately wanting all this to be over.

This is trauma, it grabs onto me and won't let go.

No matter how good life is

all these feelings and memories creep in and hold on to me with ice cold hands.

This isn't someone I can just "get over".

This is what I have to deal with when I screw up

or something rocks the boat.


	34. The Yearly Tradition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I haven't really posted this one since there's a slight reference to a Nazi camp giving less PTSD than dealing with what I've been dealing with

04.10.20

How do I even explain this?

I can barely come to terms with it myself

God, I just want to get away,

I want to leave and never come back.

The emotional and mental strain is too much

I'm pretty sure a Nazi prison camp would give me less PTSD.

Why is this all so messed up?

I'm surprised I haven't broken down

I'm surprised I'm still going, carrying this mountain

of hurt, pain and trauma.

I desperately want to talk to someone,

but I don't know what to say.

I'm scared no one will believe me,

like they know I'm branded as a Liar.

I can't even speak about it

It's like all of this is trapped in my head

while I pretend to be ignorant, pretending everything is okay.

It's not over yet, I can feel it.

The storm may be over,

but there's still more to come.

I thought we were over this, but I guess I was wrong.

This horrible tradition still stands

once a year, just like clockwork.

I actually thought I was getting better,

but once again an incident happened.

It just reminds me that everything, including me,

is broken beyond repair.

It's times such as these that make me wish I was never born,

or that I should've just died three years ago.

Either way I wish all this was over.


	35. This Idea

05.10.20

I feel like a yo-yo being pulled up and down

I desperately want to feel happy,

but God forbid I actually am.

The little smiles I have where I genuinely am happy

never last when certain people are around.

I'm one thread away from a breakdown

it feels so close to snapping, but there's one thing making me okay.

It's stupid to get my hopes up this early,

but I just need to not be sad.

Never mind if things don't work out my way.

The whole idea of it makes me so happy

it feels like hope and safety

Away from all the mess.

You don't understand how much I need this idea right now

without it I think I'd lose control.

However, I hate to think what might happen

if he says no


	36. The Aftermath

06.10.20

It feels so weird,

it's not the usual aftermath.

No one's pretending,

it all feels the same,

but deep down something is missing.

I'm terrified, but I'm keeping it all hidden.

Everything's normal,

but inside I'm still scared.

Making sure everything's put away/p>

while I make myself feel small.

The aftermath may have changed,

but I haven't.

I'm stuck in panic mode with no off switch

carrying out extra precautions,

jumping at every loud sound.

Hoping that I seem normal and they don't hear my heart racing,

trying to make my brain understand

that things aren't bad

and this aftermath is okay compared to the past.

It's like I just can't comprehend this data.

Choosing fight instead of flight,

that just feeds the gnawing feeling in my gut

and it makes me more scared.


	37. In A Daze

07.10.20

It's like a dark cloud, filling up my head

taking over my thoughts.

I feel so empty, unmotivated to do anything.

I'm having a hard time remembering,

I can't concentrate at all

Walking around in a daze

watching, but not looking or listening.

The only thing that seems to bring me peace is sleeping.

Drifting away in a state of unconsciousness

living in my dreams.

I haven't told anyone about this

because I don't know what it is for sure,

I don't know how to get out of this mood.

I'm trying my best,

but it feels like I'm not trying at all.

I'm stuck in a rut

and I don't know what to do.


	38. Heartbeat

09.10.20

Sometimes when I'm lying still I can hear my heartbeat.

It's so loud, I think everyone can hear it.

It beats so strongly it hurts,

it beats as though it was never broken, like I was never hurt,

like all the crap they put me though never existed.

It makes me sad.

Each beat is so loud,

telling me nothing will ever be the same again.

This constant reminder leaves me lying there, crippled.

No matter how much I want to write,

I can't explain just how empty I am,

just how empty I feel.


	39. I Should Be Okay

10.10.20

I've been manipulated and abused,

I've been in toxic relationships and gone through Hell.

It's something I want to talk about, but I can't.

It's like I buried it all

and I can't dig it up again.

But it still haunts me in ways I can't explain.

Sometimes I remember things and it makes me sad,

like I don't deserve good, I only deserve bad.

I can't begin to explain why I feel this way.

What's done is done,

I should be okay,

I should, but I'm not.


	40. There Was A Time

11.10.20

There was a time I stopped smiling.

There was a time I couldn't stop crying.

There was a time I carved words into my skin, like I did with my wall.

There was a time that at 9 years old I wanted to die.

There was a time I wanted to go on a train, one that would take me far far away.

There was a time I got back up and kept going.

And when I got better I realised,

in that time nobody noticed just how close I was,

to death.

The treated my blank, unsmiling face like a joke, and I laughed along with them.

They didn't question my red eyes and wet lashes, or they didn't bother asking.

They saw my healing scars and called me attention seeking and fake.

The told me to stop messing around on that window ledge in the same tone they used when I made a mess.

After all they did, it's a miracle I picked myself up

and kept going


	41. Upside Down

17.10.20

Everything feels so backwards, like life took a complete 180°

everything I used to know isn't right anymore.

It feels so nostalgic, it feels like how it used to,

but it also feels like someone went back and change the past

creating a different reality.

As happy as I am, knowing that things have worked out

there's this feeling I can't brush off.

The more I think about it, the sadder I am.

All the memories I have feel like a fever dream,

I'm doubting everything that ever happened.

I think back, and the further I go, the harder it gets.

I can't believe these are my memories,

they're too sad, too tragic,

like I'm the main character in a young adult novel.

It's so crazy to think that everything turned around,

but I feel like I'm still upside down.


	42. Grey Days

19.10.20

Why do I feel this way?

This feeling of failure, which I can't get through.

It follows me, making me silently scream,

so loud that it echoes in my dreams.

This pain, which makes my tears pour down like rain.

Clouds of gloom hover over my head.

The most minuscule task feels like a chore, a burden which I abhor.

Food feels tasteless, and drink, so sour.

I'm so tired and everything feel impossible

I know I have so much to do, but I can't do it.

Everything feels like such an insane effort,

it's just so much easier to spend my time alone

endlessly scrolling through the internet.

Feeling tired of being tired.

I miss having inspiration and motivation to do stuff,

instead I've crashed and can't get up.

Lying there tired and sad,

not knowing what I want, not knowing who I am.

Desperately wanting to be anyone but myself,

walking around aimlessly

it's like forgetting what it's like to feel cold when you're hot,

or feeling hot when you're cold

and when you're sad it's like you're never going to be happy again.


	43. Holding Onto Happy

21.10.20

I knew this was coming, I could just feel it.

The breakdowns, the freakouts,

trying so damn hard to keep control, only to have control slip through my fingers like grains of sand.

I didn't realise just how hard I was trying to stay happy.

My patience was like a thread ready to snap at any given moment.

Desperately holding onto being happy, maybe I just need to let go,

maybe I need to be sad for a while.

I keep telling myself I won't go back there, but the more I say it

the more I'm forcing myself to be happy,

but I know I'm already back, right where I left off

writing sad poems and crying.


	44. Meteor Shower

22.10.20

Standing on my bed, leaning out at the sky

searching up at the dark clouds, it's a few minutes past midnight.

The clouds part and there they are,

like slow shooting stars meteors are showering by.

Despite the icy wind causing me to shiver and shake

I lean further out and continue to gaze.

I can hear my neighbors, drunk and cheering,

but as I look up it's like the rest of the world slips away.

It's just me watching a private show the sky put on for me.

It makes me wish I was watching it sitting on a roof wrapped in blankets.

It makes me wish for a blue box to fall out of the sky and land next to me,

but all this is wishful thinking.

No matter how bad my day was, this turned it around,

I just hope that someone out there is leaning out to watch the stars with me.


	45. Not Saying Anything

25.10.20

Why can I just talk to people like I used to?

Everything feels so forced and strained,

have I really changed?

I can't bring myself to say anything, so most of the time I don't.

Ever since that weekend I've stayed pretty hidden,

I'm always online, but not really conversing.

I'm sorry that I choose not to say anything

over awkwardly trying to keep a conversation going.


	46. 40 Minutes On The Way Home

27.10.20

It's dark and I'm tired

I can't stop thinking, it just keeps going.

The first 10 minutes:

I spent looking out and wondering about people.

The next 10:

I was thinking about my last family outing.

Playing the perfect role, pretending to be the perfect daughter,

until she found time to talk to me, but I ran away.

She knew everything and it made me so scared.

She saw past my act and all of my walls,

she saw me and I had no idea what to say.

10 minutes later:

I'm scared I'll never be able to talk.

I'm scared I'll never open up or let anyone in.

When people know too much about me

I cut them off almost completely.

Crawling back into myself I stop talking,

I'm just there, staying silent.

The last 10 minutes:

I spent wondering how I can pour this out.

I'm so exhausted both physical and mental,

I don't know if I'm making sense anymore.

I miss my friends, I miss not thinking so deeply,

and now I wonder, do you even understand this weird melancholy feeling?


	47. Speaking Up

27.10.20

There's so much that I haven't said.

It just doesn't feel as big or significant than anything else I say,

but I still remember it all clear as day.

I feel like I can't rely on what I remember,

I see something with my own two eyes,

but I'm told something different after it happens.

I nodded on with their lies,

silently doubting what I saw even though the memory plays on in my head making me feel guilty for not speaking the truth.

I've learned to doubt my own mind,

after all there's too many gaps placed there from trauma and shock.

I never knew what to do, so I just turned a blind eye.

Pretending everything was normal,

staring straight ahead with tears rolling out of my eyes while I scream on the inside.

I never knew how hard it was to speak up

until finally, it was my turn and I messed everything up.


	48. Only Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to my wonderful friend and amazing supporter, May ❤❤❤

29.11.20

I screw up, I make mistakes.

I freak out and cry a lot,

and find it hard to cope.

Some days I feel like I'm still standing on the edge,

ready to jump off the ledge.

I sometimes judge

and give out too many chances.

I'm a mess.

I'm not the person people think I am,

but their idea of who I am inspires me

it pushes me to be better.

I'm only human

and these faults make me who I am.

Faults make us human.


	49. Why Don't I Matter

29.11.20

Why does it feel like nothing I do matters?

It's like it's not as important as theirs,

or it's not noticed.

Why does it feel like everything I feel doesn't matter?

Like I can't be angry or I can't be upset.

Why is it always brushed off as "overreacting"?

When clearly I'm so, so upset over something.

Okay yes, it's something small, but it's in my head

it's hard to breath and I can't calm down,

and when I bring it up I'm told to stop overreacting.

Clearly something's up if I'm having trouble breathing,

if I can't calm down and get on with things.

It hurts so much because it feels like no one cares.

I'm sorry that I get this upset,

and I'm sorry that I can't calm down.

I'm sorry because I'm the one that's messed up,

and I can't fix what I am.


	50. Moving Ahead or Standing Completely Still

02.12.20

It feels like everyone around me is moving ahead.

moving towards something, they know what they're doing

And I'm here, standing so still

watching everyone move on.

Seeing them get accepted into amazing schools

I'm happy for them.

But I'm never going to get close to where my sister is now

I really want to try, but the thought of doing that burns me out.

She'll be the one to succeed, she'll be the one everyone's proud of .

I still feel the shame and humiliation of not passing,

it's embarrassing to say that I'm still studying year 11.

If I fail in everything that I do, at least my family will have one daughter to be proud of.

If I pull myself out now, at least I'll be giving her that chance,

the chance to be something wonderful.

I always knew I was the odd Springstein out.

Not even passing high school,

instead I'm pulling a full Jess Mariano.

Pursuing a dream in hopes that it'll make me happy

wishing that everything will work out.

Time to stop pushing myself down,

it's time to make myself proud.


	51. The Vicious Circle

06.12.20

It's an endless circle,

I can't stop thinking.

Yes? No? Yes? No?

Can I do this? Am I ready?

What if I can't?

Yes ? No? Yes? No?

Over and over it goes.

I can't sleep, it's hard to function.

Always thinking

I'm stuck in a circle,

of what ifs? And who knows?

To be or not to be?

To try or to fail?

To cut myself short, or go to the end of the line?

I can't do it, I don't know how.

What if I fail? What if I crash and burn?

Yes ? No? Yes? No?

I can't do it.

I just don't know.

To put myself out there, to try my best,

what if? What if? What if?

The same thoughts play again in my head.

I'm scared, I'm so tired

my head hurts and everything feels grey,

Every day and every night

it's the same thoughts that go round and round my head.

I shouldn't doubt myself, but I can't help it

I'm scared.

Yes? No? Yes?

It's a vicious vicious circle going round my head.


	52. All the Resentment I Carry

11.12.20

Being surrounded by people who don't care enough,

when I'm someone that cares too much.

Constantly saying that I have a problem.

Constantly telling me that I'm too sensitive.

I'm only acting like how you acted to me,

but no.

Stop saying that was you did was the reason I turned out 'right'

I'm the one who has to live the rest of my life with all this resentment,

all this hate and anguish.

I've got to live in a world with no acknowledgement or sympathy,

then get told I'm the one that's crazy

I'm the one who "can't talk to people nicely".

Calling me sensitive because I freak out over everything.

Stop thinking that because I act okay all the damage you caused it fixed.

It's not.

And I'm reminded of this every time I choose to talk to strangers on the internet

instead of talking to you.

Here I am trying so hard not to scream,

hiding away wishing all the pain would go.


	53. Alone

17.12.20

No matter how hard I try, I'm always here.

Alone.

I lose control and scream, let out a fraction of what I really feel

penny drops.

I've gone too far.

Stuck in this mental hell

I'm alone with no way out,

carrying years worth of pain and hurt

I feel like I'm going to burst.

I feel invisible

only seen when I lose it.

I'm alone.

It's the way it was and the way it will always be

me.

Alone.

Always and forever.


	54. The Feeling Of Failing

20.12.20

Deep down it always hurts

among the warmth and the chatter

there's always one question: how did you do on your exams?

Every time, it always hurts.

I'm happy for them, I am,

but there's this twinge of disappointment

I'm standing right there, but it's like I fold back into myself.

Everything they're saying becomes distant and blurry

outside I'm nodding along, smiling as I give routine replies,

inside I'm beating myself up.

So angry, so sad

Desperately trying so hard not to cry

telling myself over and over not to care,

but the first thought that always comes to mind is Failure:

"You couldn't even pass"

I know I shouldn't believe them,

but you can't fake a thought.

Not even one that lies.


	55. I'm Not Ready To Grow Up

30.12.20

I don't want to grow up

I don't want to be old.

I like it right now, finally getting along

it's inevitable I know,

but the thought that someday I may go.

It's sad and scary to think what the future might hold

it's comforting to think that these little things don't matter,

it's not something you'll remember as the years grow older.

I just want to stay here, doing what I love

staying 17 forever.

I'm not ready to be an adult,

I'm not ready for the responsibility that comes with it.

I'm not ready for the next step.

I'm not ready


	56. My Mental Hell

16.01.21

It feels like the older I am the worst it gets.

Trying so hard to have control and order,

but it doesn't work like that.

Constantly on the verge of having another attack

it's getting harder and harder to calm down.

I know, I'm neurotic as heck.

Trying to ignore all that's irritating,

always feeling antsy, I wish it was the coffee.

All these feelings, it's becoming routine

it's the same damn thing every day,

but each day is different, it's harder to cope.

It's wanting to scream at everything in my mind,

anxiety cranked up to 90

what do I even do?

It's getting to a scary point

where I can't predict what I'm going to do.

Thinking I'm okay,

I'm not. I'm not.

The tiniest thing will set me off.

Breath, that's all I can do,

but breathing doesn't help much

when I don't know what to feel.

My mind never stops

JUST STOP!

This is getting too much to handle,

but I can't escape this Hell that's mental.


	57. The Same, And Yet Completely Different

29.01.20

It's like time stood still in that house.

Everything is exactly the same,

the three tins balancing on top of eachother on the counter,

the same small tables

and the tumblers stacked neatly.

The same smell hits me as soon as I open the door.

It's all the same.

yet the house is quiet.

The wallpaper is peeling,

ducktape covers the doors.

It's strange,

like I'm seeing it all for the first and last time.

My room feels different.

like the life is all gone.

the bed is turned down

and the dust covers are on.

I keep remembering it all how it was.

looking at it now

I feel like a stranger who has no business being there.

The house stood still

and time passed through.

Aging everything.

Changing nothing.

That place was my safe sanctuary,

now it's just a place where the ghosts of the past hang around.


	58. After Friday

30.01.21

I know I shouldn't have said anything.

I knew I got too emotionally invested,

and now I have to see him every week.

Almost bumping into him in the staff room,

hearing him in the next class,

seeing him.

It hurts so much.

I can't help it

I'm so depressed thinking about it.

I think, I really liked him,

but it will hurt less this way.

I couldn't guarantee my happiness

I couldn't hurt myself more.

I just hope all of this will fade eventually,

long story short, it's better this way.

I'm not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own.

I know this, and yet I feel so guilty,

because I was the one who called it off and said no.

He's probably not overthinking about it like I am,

but that's what I get for thinking every guy could be

The One.

I feel haunted.

It's like he's always there in my head.

He's always there in my dreams,

I see him.

Waking up alone

I try to say it's okay,

but I can't help feeling this way after Friday


	59. Jealousy

01.02.21

Okay I'm jealous, how childish is that?

I'm jealous that my siblings have everything.

I'm jealous that they get to be kids

and they get all the attention.

I feel dumb for even saying this,

but sometimes I just get so full of resentment

and jealousy.

They get the life I wished so hard for

and now all I can remember is how empty I felt.

How empty I feel now.

It's painful seeing them get all the attention

while I fade into the background.

It's become more apparent now that I'm lonely,

I have no one here with me.

I can't talk to anyone else because they won't get it.

I'm depressed,

but they don't see it.

Focusing on their other kids,

so they don't turn out like me.

Traumatized children make traumatized adults,

damaged and broken,

full of anger and resentment.


	60. I'm Not Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING

02.02.21

I bleed on paper and call it poetry.

I bleed through sleeves and hope that no one sees.

Clothing covers all these scars.

I'm dragged back again,

I thought I grew out of this.

Carving pretty patterns on my skin

covering it all up.

Praying it doesn't get noticed.

I wasn't doing well, but I was getting through it

getting yelled at like that brought back all the flashbacks.

I'm not suicidal, not yet anyway

I just needed an outlet,

I feel nothing all day

until I'm pushed to the edge.

The cool metal feels so nostalgic,

strategically making the first cut

knowing full well I can blame it on the cat.


	61. The Right Decision

05.02.21

I want to take it all back,

making the right decision.

I know it's bad, but I can't help it.

Every Friday feels like some form of torture.

I was finally moving on,

now I'm back to square one.

There wasn't even time for my heart to break,

but it's still hurting.

Now I've regressed,

fallen back into depression

relapsing harder than ever before.

It's so stupid I know,

but it's so much harder than I thought.

It wasn't meant to be.

I keep saying it.

It was Lorelai and Max

I mean that quite literally.

He seemed so perfect,

but we were bound to be broken.

I made the right decision.

I knew deep down it wasn't right.

I would've sacrificed too much of myself

and I couldn't do that again.

Everytime I see him, I think it could've been fine

maybe I shouldn't have turned him down that fast,

but we wouldn't have lasted.

I just can't stand this feeling of lonely.

I'm independent, I could get by on my own,

but I rely on other people

I long for that unbreakable bond.

He was just as invested as I was

and that's why I feel so guilty.

I hate disappointing people,

more than I hate them disappointing me.


End file.
